Wang Sorenson


Artist sketch of Wang Sorenson performing the Miracle of His Lost Shoes.

Birth


Wang Sorenson was born of a Chinese noble, Wang Hop and a Swedish princess, Ingemodh Sorenson. His birth was hailed a miracle by people all over Polynesia, as his mother had been rendered infertile by the Great European Earwig Infestation of 693. Wang was born sometime between 699 and 670, depending on which sea shanty is describing his deeds. His birth, known as Wangzaah, is celebrated the world over by Wangite followers.

Wang's parents experienced their second cultural clash when it was time to name their newborn son. Both wanted his name to represent his noble heritage. Eventually, Wang Fu, the grandfather of Wang Sorenson, declared that the debate was tiresome and to just "give the kid two last names." Wang's parents settled on Wang Sorenson, the family name from each parent.

Early life


There is little known about Wang's early life. In the only surviving piece of correspondence between his mother and his aunt, Olafine Bjornsen, his mother described him thus:

"A good boy. Does what he's told and smiles all the time. We're thinking of getting a dog so he'll learn the value of responsibility."

Murder of his parents


When Wang was only 12(ish) years old, his parents were murdered in front of him in a dark Polynesian alley. Wang vowed vengeance and took to the seas, to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time, that his next port of sail will be the port home. He became known as the shanty-singing pirate of Tuvalu, ritually raiding ships on the high seas. He never stole from the ships or killed any crew or passengers; his only demand was to swap sea shanties to further his vast musical library and to bring entertainment to weary travelers. He searched high and low for the man who murdered his parents, but was never able to solve the case.

Philosophy


Wang believed earnestly in loving one's fellow man and brought this teaching to everyone he met. He was an amiable man who loved jokes, sea shanties, and believed laughter was the way to salvation. Despite having seen the face of evil, Wang believed every person deserved a second chance. Due to this belief, he was often at odds with local governments as he was often caught breaking orphans and elderly debtors out of prison. He was also fond of the full pleasures available in life and did not shy away from food, drink, sex, and dirty jokes. Wang believed sexual pleasure was God's gift to humanity, if God indeed did exist and grace humanity with the gift of pleasure centers in our brains. Due to this, Wangite monks and nuns do not abstain from sex and are in fact, encouraged to have sexual relationships in whatever way they feel most comfortable. However, if a Wangite nun or monk wants to abstain, that's okay too.

Miracles & great deeds


During his 33 and 1/3 years on this earth, he performed many miracles and great deeds. In the summer of 711, he brought moisture to a parched South African village's crops, using just his body and six kegs of ale he had in his ship's hold. While he was temporarily imprisoned for unpaid docking tickets, he earned the gratitude of the entire Roman fleet by teaching them advanced rigging techniques using only a length of rope and his trusty rod. When he was traveling through Russia, he cured a homeless woman of her blindness, by cutting her bangs. He also gave her a snazzy perm even though he had never given perms before.

His last recorded miracle was in Boobyalla, Tasmania, where he brought fortune to a crumbling city by teaching the inhabitants essential marketing skills, enabling them to sell their peanut crops for a hefty profit. Because of this miracle, his execution was ordered and carried out by the Elephant Mafia.

Death


Wang was murdered by the Elephant Mafia after he performed the Peanut Miracle at Boobyalla. According to the testament of his friends, he knew it was coming and spent the night before getting blistering drunk, loudly singing every obscene sea shanty he could think of, replacing every instance of "balls" with "elephants." In the morning, he stumbled into the town square and defiantly threw peanut shells onto the ground. An hour later, the hit was carried out and Wang Sorenson was crushed under the feet of a hit-elephant.

Some attempts have been made by certain sects of Wang followers to bring celebration of his death into the mainstream, but most Wangites dismiss such activities as "too depressing" and "not in keeping with the spirit of Wang." Those that celebrate Wang's death (called The Great Stomping) do so by beating an elephant-shaped pinata while loudly yelling "elephant balls!" until it breaks open, spilling peanuts and peanut candies.


See index: Wang


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